And I sit here
by JessMess
Summary: And I sit here ...holding this black and white photo. Hermione tells her friends, surrogate family and the order what has happened. Includes Emotional abuse, death, abortion, and suicide. NO FLAMES


This is a story that I have wanted to tell for about two months now. And well I have finally sat down, and written it out.

It tells the story from Hermione's Point Of View about some very touchy subjects, including: emotional abuse, death, abortion and suicide. So if you do not feel comfortable reading this, don't. I don't want flames saying that I'm a bad person for writing this, because some of this is based off my true life.

Oh and if you start to wander why it seems cold and dispassionate, it's like that because that is how I felt after what happened to me. This story is my way of finally admitting what happened, if not to my family but at least to some one.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter tm nor have I made any money from writing this story, JK Rowling is the woman behind it all and I have nothing on her.

* * *

And I sit here.

Unbeknownst to everyone.

To my best friends.

To the people that are like my family.

To the people that have looked out for me since I was fifteen now nineteen.

I need to tell them.

I need them to UNDERSTAND.

As of the last six months, its alway's been, "You wouldn't understand", "Not now Hermione, you wouldn't understand", "I'm busy, come back later".

They haven't noticed me. They haven't noticed that I have been in need of help. That I'm in over my head. They haven't even acknowledged when I have practically screamed in their faces that I need help.

So now I am doing the only thing left. I'm taking the last step and I am just going to tell them. Tell them everything.

And then I'm leaving. I'm leaving for good. I'll leave for a place that I know that they won't follow.

But for now, I will sit here and hold this black and white photo.

* * *

They are now half an hour late. The letter that I had left for each of them said to be here at eight. A time that I know they all aren't working and dinner will be over.

Finally about twenty to nine members of the order start trickling in, followed by the entire Weasley family, and my best friends, Harry and Ron with their significant others.

But I remain where I have been for the last several hours. In the chair at the head of the table with my back to the door. I clutch the black and white photo to my breast as the last few people take their seats.

And now, I make my first real move in hours. I stand up, only to have the room quieten down and for every one to look at me.

Taking a deep breath I begin.

'First of I just want to say that although all of you were over half an hour late, I appreciate that you came. All of you.' In this is said in a quite, distant, voice. One that has taken over my strong and proud voice. But no one has noticed the difference.

'I want to start of by saying something that you all have said to me, "you don't understand". It is not me not understanding, it is you not trusting me. Not letting me in. Seeing and using me as a convenience, not as a friend.' Too this everyone in the room starts talking, saying that it's not true, that they do trust me, and how an I doubt them?

I raise my hands. A gesture I have picked up along my nineteen years of life. It has procured the result I was after; every one ceased their talking and looked at me.

'For six months now, I have been in need of your help. Of your acknowledgement of my existence, only too have all of you, not notice, for all of you not to care enough to notice the changes or hardships that I have endured.'

I have started walking around my chair now, I need to be doing something, I can't sit still if I am to tell them this. All of it.

'Five months ago I started going out with this guy. He was everything that I needed at that time, someone that noticed me, someone that listened to me, a person that cared about my well being, and asked the simple questions like "How was your day?" "How are you feeling?" Everything that I hadn't had from anyone for bit more than a month. So I inevitably ended up being controlled by him, he figured out how to manipulate me to do almost anything, because I was desperate for someone to love me. To notice me.'

At this tears built up in my eye's, one trickled down my cheek and curved it's way down to my chin, where it hung for a second, before falling onto my plain white blouse.

'Within two months, I had changed so much, you wouldn't have been able to tell that it was me, if someone didn't tell you my name. He was emotionally abusive, playing every card he had to make me no more than a snivelling wreck.'

At this point most peoples eye's were wide, to think that I, Hermione Granger, would let someone walk all over me and degrade even myself so much as to let him, others were in deep thought, trying to figure out why they had missed the signs.

And I just stood there. Looking at them all with the tears starting to fall, for after the first one, they all started to fall.

'I got out of the relationship after three months. I caught him having sex with another girl on his bed. I just lost it. I broke up with him their and then, before leaving, crying my eye's out. It was only after this, that I found out that I wasn't out of it yet.'

Here I drew in a deep breath trying to slow down my heart rate, because it was pumping faster than normal, and trying to calm my nerves so I could continue without stopping, or becoming breaking down into tears.

'I was one month pregnant. I was pregnant with _his_ child.'

A collective gasp perforated the silence that was left after I announced the second shock of the evening.

'As soon as I had found out, I turned to my parents. They were thrilled that I was out of the relationship, but shocked that I was pregnant. They helped me when I needed them most, when I just needed someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. They were there for me when all of you were telling me that you were to busy, that I should sort it out myself, that I was a big girl now, and that I should defend for myself.'

They all knew that what I had said about them was true. That they had all being saying that they were busy and I should fend for myself for a bit. But the looks on their faces showed what was going through their minds along with these thoughts, that they were to rapped up in themselves to notice a friend, a surrogate daughter, a member of the group, being left out in the cold when their time of need was their.

'My parents left for work the next day, only never to arrive. They were killed instantly when a pair of teenage boys were speeding on the highway. Now I was left with no mum, no dad, no friends, basically no help. I had lost everyone that I cared about in the space of four months. A month of all of you seemingly not noticing my existence, and three months in an abusive relationship. An pregnant with a child to a person that had made me less then I could be.'

The looks on their faces said it all. They were all in shock that I ad gone through all of this and none of them knew because they were to "Busy" to notice.

'I was lost, I was confused. I was in pain. But I decided that I couldn't raise the child, it would be born into a broken family home, with a mother that wouldn't be able to give it everything that they should want or need. I had no where to turn to so I took the only option that I could see.'

I hold the photo close to my chest before turning it around and showing it to everyone as I said my one last secret.

'I took my option, and …and I did the one thing that I promised myself I would never do. I had an abortion.'

I let the tears fall. For my parents, for my baby, and for me. I let them fall, not caring that my face was going red and puffy, or that I was shaking with my sobs.

They just watched as I broke down in front of them. Finally Tonks came up and pulled me into a tight hug and whispered that it was okay to let the tears fall, that I should be angry, and sad, and hurt. She just held me.

When I had finally composed myself I didn't look anyone in the face, I simply stared at my hands and said my resolution.

"So, now, after all of this, you may not deserve it, you may not want it, but you will hear it. I can't take life anymore. The depression that I have been in has become to great a burden to bare, and I see no way out of it, even with the councillor that I have been seeing. I'm leaving. I'm going to go to the one place that you won't follow me too, and too the one place that I will be welcomed with open arms. So simply… goodbye.'

And I turned around, leaving them all in shock, and walked out of the room.

* * *

I was at the cemetery that my parent were buried, I kneel down, run my fingers over their names. I pull out my wand, close my eye's and say the two words that will take me away from this place.

Avarda Kedavra.

* * *

JessMess: Hey, if you want to leave a message, please do. If you want anything clarified, PM me or ask in a review, I will respond.

BYe


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